Insecurity has got the best of me

As a performer, I’ve recently been exploring stand-up. This is in large part due to Chicago and a class called the Feminine Comique. I discovered this all female class through a Reader article on local stand-up and Fem Com creator, Cameron Esposito. Now taught by the hilarious Kelsie Huff, this class is amazing.

My graduation show was awesome. My set received a lot of laughs and an audience full of friends supported me. A handful of positive open mic’s later and my long dormant creativity was back and ready to find its next manifestation.

I want to write and perform a solo show; I want to collaborate; I want to do a web series; I want to produce a show to showcase other female talent.

I’M SO FUCKING INSPIRED!

Then I went to Cole’s and bombed. In front of Cameron and all the other cool lady comics I want to like me.

Comedy Sportz – same. This time in front of Kelsie and Kristin Clifford.

My set at The Kate’s was well received but sloppy…erratic…

That was January 28 and I haven’t performed since.

What am I so afraid of that I don’t even want to walk into the room? Why do I all of a sudden feel like I am the new girl in the cafeteria with no one to sit with?

I’m too normal. I’m not interesting enough. I’m too pretty. My hair is too long. I’m just another straight girl whining about boys. I’m not as cool as the gay girls with their side mullets and leather jackets. The girls who I long to be accepted or at least respected by. I’m too old. I don’t want to spend all night at the bar hanging with 23 year olds who I can’t help but be jealous of because they’ve already figured it out where as I am just discovering this part of myself. This part of myself that, at 33, feels like it’s too late. And, I don’t want to make jokes or try to make you laugh. I want to make you think. I want to talk about shit that pisses me off. I want to call your attention to stuff that is idiotic, annoying, or just plain fucked up. Sometimes it’s funny; sometimes it’s not.

Because, the truth is, I’m not trying to be funny. I’m just trying to be real.

And, that shit is scary as hell.

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3 comments

  1. Chris · February 21, 2012

    I hear you….and Love It! I’ll take REAL anyday over being right or perfect or “got-it-together. the best part of you is your honest expression and your going-to-bat for your ideas. Glad to hear who you are becoming is REALly YOU!

  2. Jack · February 21, 2012

    I think you have a wonderful gift.
    And that you can put into words just astounds me.
    ILUWB
    Dad

  3. Jenny Lynn · February 21, 2012

    Hey Alicia, I feel your frustration and desire to perform, speak your truth and feel your life beyond the limits you are expressing. Speaking the truth through comedy is exciting to me and I love the way it can reach people. Sometime ago I stumbled upon this comic when I was “going through it” with Michael. Thought I would pass it on to you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Khgkh43oIJo&feature=related
    Love you, A. Jen

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